Bunch of invincibles

I love all sorts of women - pretty ones, not-so-pretty ones, dumb ones, smart ones, nice n caring ones, fat, thin, ugly-who-thinks-she-is-pretty-cuz-her-hot-friend-made-her-believe-so types too!! Even though the last one is unfair, but its all good. Why is it unfair? It's unfair to the guy who talks to her n she acts pricey. She - the ugly one, of all the women in the world - acts pricey. These hot women might, sometimes, be genuinely nice but ladies!! look at what you are doing to us men. *sigh*
There have been numerous attempts to understand women. And, obviously, they have failed. Except for one. The one that concluded that women have 400 different faces. O yeah! If you have been with a woman (women) before, my friend, you know exactly what I am talking about. I am not going to turn myself into a martyr for a lost cause :)
For quite some time I have been reading about how disgusting men are. It's all so true. What is also true that everything that I read was written by women. Well, the MCP that I am, I had to write something in response. So, I happened to think about how disgusting women were. Fair enough, isn't it?
Now, I have had my share of experiences, but this goes way beyond my personal experiences. This is about the entire female-dom.

Allow me to present my case.

Imagine the following (having a gf/wife/mistress? would help the visualization process) -

You come home - a place one considers next to heaven only, a place for love, a place to relax, have fun, a place for peace .. STOP! .. what? Peace? Ooo nyoooooo nyoooooo. If you are with a woman, peace is a word that you must scratch out of your mind, let alone your dictionary.

Why is that?

All you have to do is ask one tiny little question - "How was your day, honey?" And trust me, you are done for the next half hour. There are those women, who won't even let you say a word. They just go at it man! There is no stopping them. You feel as if a Japanese bullet train ran over you! Anyhow, how does the conversation go, if at all there is one? She talks .. you listen. You can't take anyone else's side.
Side?? Yep! If you say anything even slightly mild, forget about a compliment, about some other person in context i.e. if you are being reasonable, you are taking sides! Yes, Sir! It's like how Bush reacted after 9/11 - either you are on our side or theirs. Now, if you did "take sides", by mere serendipity, you have to listen for another half an hour of music. If she looks like Condi Rice and has a high frequency pair of vocal chords, you better buy yourself ear-plugs and dark sunglasses. And, if you gave a compliment to some other person (more so if its a lady), you have a rhino-whino freaking out.

In some cases, you can talk. And this how you talk - "Oh! Really?" "NOOO!!" "I SEE!" "WOW!" "OH MY GOD!" "GET OUTA HERE!" "YOU ARE KIDDIN ME! RIGHT?" " Ahaan..okay." "YEAH?" "COOL!"

Mix up such words in any combination you want in a week. Trust me! She'll believe you are actually listening. You think I am being mean. Suit yourself dude - TAKE SIDES! And then, listen for another half an hour. And by the way, it's not an advice. This is what happens- for real!!

It's all good though. Anything for food man!

A quick tip for ladies here: If your guy can cook well and has stayed by himself for more than a few years, you better watch out. You are a potential dumpee. Good cooks don't have to compromise. Rest have to! Necessity is the mother of .. compromise? Sometimes I think my mother didn't teach me how to cook properly because of this very reason. Smart mom, eh?

Now, if the above-mentioned "conversation" ends fast i.e. half an hour, it's your lucky day. Don't get too excited. You aren't so lucky to come across too many of these in this miserable lifetime of yours. You never know when the wind might change direction. And anything .. trust me .. anything that you say would be held against you in the court of .. your woman. Yeah - I am talking about the dreaded days .. the days where even the silliest thing could turn her on or the most romantic thing can make her mad .. real mad! and of course .. the most reasonable thing would sound ridiculous to her. Rationality is not something female-kind responds to very nicely. It simply eludes them. Did I forget to mention that the alleged conversation could involve someone in the world that you will never have any business with?

Imagine -

What would an American soldier be thinking about walking down the streets of Fallujah, Iraq? A bomb from the window .. a grenade attack .. or an RPG .. or gunfire .. or an IED blast .. anything from any direction.

That's how it is during those days. Anything can blow you up from any direction. You've got to be very careful! It's like walking on a mine-field. Experience is the ONLY way out that I know of. As soon as you sense it, surrender immediately! No questions asked! Just do it. That acts as a calming effect. The tigress would feel in control and you get your "peace". And then! you can have "the conversation". And the more shining eyes you have i.e. the more you are "listening", the more it helps. And if you add a few romantic bits here n there..from time to time...(could be outright disgusting to very debonair depending on the ambience and the woman)...with persistence..you will "prevail" my friend! wink wink

Some men can be very patient. And they can take it all. Yeah! Poor guys. But there is something even they can't take.

Let me share an experience. I moved into a new apartment recently. I noticed that the bathroom wash-basin/sink was choked. Well, unfortunately, I am that lets-fix-it kinda guy, sometimes. And that was the unfortunate day. It so happened that the sink had choked. After fiddling around with it with my tools I happened to see a dreaded gargantuan mass of hair!!! YUCK! Faint-hearted would have puked at that sight - honestly. Go -take a break, I know how it feels.

*sigh*

Let's imagine another scenario -

You, my ideal man, go into the kitchen, in a sudden outburst of divine generosity, to help her out (if she lets you - some won't let you in 10m radius of their kitchen-ground). Pick up a few things .. fiddle with this n that .. while singing a love song for her .. making a cup of coffee and a sandwich for her.. and there it is!!! THE HAIR!!! You hold it like you would hold a deadly venomous snake ...a black mamba-straight from the wild untamed Africa... your soul itself would be squeamish ..forget about the goose bumps and the churning belly.. and the chilling shudder that would run through your spine!! If I am lying, I would lovingly walk through into the dungeons of hell. You know I am NOT!

It's amazing what one strand of hair can do. My best wishes if you share the same bathroom/bed/kitchen or anything for that matter with a woman. You feel like praising her lovely hair now? Think twice dude! :) Those poets must've been drunk silly when they wrote odes about their hair! (Haathi jaisa tann hai tera...ghodey jaisey baal...VK version, but that's for some other time.)

But, you know, shit happens and besides, hair is natural. However, what is NOT natural is calling you twenty times at work to say "I love you". But the poor guy, the sweet person that he is, will never object. Because the girl won't take the truth nicely. Work is more important damn it! Love won't bake a bread for me, would it? But nyoooo! You have to TALK to her nicely. You have to say hello nicely...you have to listen..you have to respond too!..and you to have say Bye nicely..and before you keep the fone down..you have to utter I love you..at least 5 times. If you don't, another half an hour is busted. Give me a break!! How can my ideal man pay attention to his latest desktop screen saver - the Kingfisher swimsuit calendar? If that's not important - what is? Men in their 60s to boys not even in their teens must do it. It's a part of being straight. Otherwise, you know, my lady, its time for you to start searching a new beau for yourself. Take it or leave it. That's the deal.

If the guy is completely nice, then these very women ridicule him for being "naive".."doesn't know anything".."doesn't know how to treat women"..! All that won't come from a guy who hasn't been naughty, okay? Double-standards man! I tell ya!

Now, let's say the guy is the mysterious "good guy". It's a term floated by women who have no idea what they are talking about. I am yet to encounter this specie of men. "Good" is a very abstract term in any case. So, anyway, this good guy